Response

We received so many amazing responses to our blog post, ‘Closets are for Clothes’.  One response was very inquisitive.  This person responded anonymously, so I feel that I can post this response and break it down and answer a lot of these questions to the best of my ability.  I have a feeling this person is not the only one with questions like this.  I do this only to help educate or help others to understand where we (and maybe other teens like Jon) are coming from.  I apologize for the lengthy post, but these are complex questions and people are just trying to understand.  Here is the response in full and I will follow with my thoughts:

“Anonymous May 15, 2013 at 3:25 PM

Wow. I wonder what I would do if my child told me he was gay. Especially at such a YOUNG age. With all the love I have, I’d like to address a few things in your story:

First, this part concerns me: “He told me a week after he found out. I think it surprised him as well, but he felt ok with it. It is natural to him and he did not feel shame or guilt. He just learned something new about himself, confirmed it with our dear friend, Andy and then told his mother.”

How did he “find out?” And who is Andy? Is Andy a hero to him? Is his gayness admired by Jon? Why would he go to Andy before his own loving parents? Is there a chance Andy encouraged this “coming out?” (i.e. told him he was gay?)

As far as this post is concerned, it sadly seems more attention-seeking on your part than an attempt to help your son. Are you going to encourage him to live the gospel standards? Or experiment with behaviors or lifestyles that cannot be eternal? And are you encouraging him to make HUGE decisions too early and TOO PUBLIC? He seems too young to be concerned about sexuality at all. I know I never could have made such a big decision at 13!

How do we tell the difference between biological gays and situational or behavioral gays? You have to admit, it’s become a fad. It’s stylish. I do not know your son, so I don’t know what he’s like. But I’ve met MANY effeminate males that are not gay.

I can’t help but wonder what he is exposed to on television, movies, and conversations and friends he or you might have. (In addition to Andy.) Does he hear you support the brethren and study scripture? Does he watch inappropriate media? Does he hear you give more time and support to controversial political issues?

I’ll be honest, I do believe some kids are gay. Even kids that come from families that support the brethren, read, pray, have FHE and protect their kids from harmful media. But I also think many kids are empowered and confused by the current culture. We have to teach them eternal truths. If they are gay, we have to still teach them to live the gospel. As a whole, as a culture, we have lost so much innocence. My heart breaks for the children and eventual adults who battle this. But there are many infirmities for which there won’t be complete healing until the next life.

You say, “If given the chance now, if I had the opportunity to make my son straight, I wouldn’t.” WHY??!! Why would you not want to spare him this trial? Wouldn’t you rather he be able to serve a mission, get married and become a father? Don’t those things bring you your deepest joy?

 Just some thoughts. I wish you and your son all the best. In fact, I am praying for you all. –An old friend

http://northstarlds.org/
http://www.mormonsandgays.org/” (the links here were provided by anonymous)

“Wow. I wonder what I would do if my child told me he was gay.”

Jon opened up to Andy and shared that he had some concerns that he was gay and asked for Andy’s advice.    Andy shared with Jon how he learned he was gay and we have asked that he share that on a blog post of his own.  We will post that as soon as it is ready.  But, here are some of the wonderful answers Andy gave to Jon:

“I’ll have to answer this very carefully.”

“First and foremost, you are not alone. There have been concourses upon concourses of people who have had the same struggle. Wondering whether they’re really gay. Or are they bi? Or is it all some big mental construction?”

“Every person’s experience is so different. Personally, it helps for me to know plenty of other Mormon boys have gone through the struggle of “what happens if I’m gay?” But. It’s still difficult, because it’s still my life.”

“I’m not trying to steer you in any particular direction. But in my experience, I sometimes thought I was bi. I was “attracted” to women, I suppose. I came to realize, for me, it was an attraction that wasn’t genuine. It was an attraction I had created to follow social and church regulations. When I let that go, I realized I wasn’t bi, and simply gay. While I’m not saying you are/aren’t bi, I think that’s something to consider.”

“As difficult as it is, and as personal to you as this is, I know how you feel. I remember the overwhelming thoughts. Every part of me said something different. It was frustrating. It made me angry and confused. I remember, many times, it felt that the only thing to do was end my life or run away. I usually ended up sobbing on the ground.. Jon, I know what that feels like.”

·         This conversation went on longer, but I wanted people to see how thoughtful Andy was in his responses.  Jon desperately needed to talk to someone who could understand.  Why didn’t Jon come straight to his loving parents?  Because he had a loving friend who could know EXACTLY what he was going through and feeling inside.  Andy never gave him opinions to convince him one way or the other.  Andy only gave him information and told him what he had learned about himself the hard way.  Jon then went on and did further research on the matter.  He looked into Mormonsandgays.org, he read articles for teens questioning their sexuality.  He did not want to bring this to his parents until he was certain.  Through his research and a week of learning, he understood enough that he became confident that he was gay.

Our friend Daniel Parkinson who is a psychiatrist told me this:

 “ There is a problem that is generational. This is the first generation that is able to access information independently to confirm and learn about their orientation as teens. Prior generations couldn’t label themselves, because they didn’t have the info. Therefore, even some older gay people recall being confused as teens. Well, teens are still confused, but not about their orientation. The research has shown that LGBT teens are figuring it out by 13 years old. If there is anyone who is even possibly confused about it, it is because they are bisexual, and those teens need full acceptance and support too at accepting and understanding their orientation, so if a bisexual child spends a year or two calling himself gay, there is zero damage done, compared to the damage of denying it or hiding it. (There might also be a very small group of teens who have suffered substantial abuse and who have more confusion about their sexual orientation, but this is a very small percentage, and once again, they only benefit from having parents that give them full acceptance, even if later they feel differently). In both these scenarios there is ZERO damage done by them adopting the labels (unless you believe they will go to hell for that), but there is huge damage done if they aren’t affirmed in what they see as their identities. So basically, it is a common criticism (they are too young to know) but it is misguided. I had a nice conversation with Caitlin Ryan  the other day and she helped me understand even better what the research is showing.”

(Caitlin Ryan runs the Family Acceptance project and has done extensive research on suicide risk factors for LGBT teens. Please download her important pamphlet on ways LDS families can lower the suicide risk at http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/publications)